Disclosure & Talking about Self-Harm

When someone first discloses to you that they are self-harming, this may come as a shock. For some, you may find out indirectly (i.e. someone else tells you, or you may see scars/marks). For others, the individual may come to you, and you may be the only person they have ever told. This can be quite overwhelming, and at this time you will likely be feeling a lot of different things all in one. You may also be left questioning how well you knew the individual, as often we feel shocked and surprised that we haven’t known about what’s been happening for those close to us.

“It was quite like, distressing, if that’s the right word. I think overall it was just a big shock, because I think, especially when you know someone so well, you really don’t expect them to try to do that to themselves.”

(Friend)

You may also be left with lots of questions and feelings of confusion – including why they do it, when did it start, what caused it? However, whilst the individual may have felt able to tell you that it’s happening, they may not necessarily be ready to talk about it in detail. For others, they may want to, and so it’s important not to overwhelm the individual, and try to get a sense of whether or not they want to talk about it.

Some individuals may find it particularly difficult to explain or talk directly about their self-harm, and so they may not always be able to provide you with a reason or help you to understand. This can often be frustrating, and lead to you feeling out of your depth and helpless. What is important is to focus on ways in which you can help the individual. This may not always be directly talking about the self-harm, even though you may want to, but instead just sitting with them, taking them out for a walk, or watching a film together in order to take their mind away from things (see section – How can I help?). Sometimes, just simply listening (actively) and validating the individuals feelings can make a massive difference. Read more about this on a special blog written by our CHERISH team member Jay (see Blogs – Active Listening & Validation)

“I guess she found it difficult to articulate, she was angry and upset and all sorts of things, I think we found it quite difficult to talk to each other at that time. I think it was very much that she didn’t want to talk me to me about it anyway, and I just had to accept that.”

(Mother)