When you first discover that someone close to you is self-harming, or if they come to you to tell you what’s going on for them, you may be caught off guard and feel scared or worried. Given that self-harm is often kept private, it is not something many of us have spoken about or know much about.
Self-harm can occur in many forms and is often a way of expressing and dealing with difficult and unwanted emotions. Having some understanding of self-harm can be important for both you and the individual during the support journey. It is also important to note that your understanding will often change and develop. Reasons for engaging in self-harm and what may be driving this to happen can vary greatly between individuals, and sometimes we may not know everything that’s going on, but even having a basic understanding can be really helpful (See section – Helping Understand Self-Harm)
“I think I understood what was going through her head. I think at the start, I was not really understanding because it was quite difficult and I think I was just sort of pretending like it wasn’t happening. But with time, I understood why she was doing it, or at least some of the reasons. There may have been more but the main reasons that she was thinking. I guess she was letting her feelings out in that way.”
(Friend)
When speaking with individuals who had provided support for self-harm, they often commented on difficulties that the individual had been experiencing within their life. However, some friends & family members were surprised to find out that their loved one was experiencing difficulties, due to the fact that the individual always seemed as though they were coping. It is important to recognise that whilst someone may seem as though they are coping or not finding things upsetting (e.g. laughing along with negative comments), there may be a lot more going on under the surface.
If you suspect that your friend may be finding things difficult, it can be hard to know how to ask them what’s going on or how to approach the topic. For many, this becomes even harder when thinking about self-harm due to the fact that it is often spoken about less than things like anxiety and depression. In order to help with this, we have put together some advice around disclosure and talking about self-harm.
Top Tips
Self-Harm is often very personal and can have very different meanings and motivations for different people. Having some understanding of self-harm can be really helpful when providing support, but don’t worry if this feels scary or overwhelming at the beginning. The most important thing is being there for your loved one when they feel ready to talk about things.